I realize it has been over two weeks since I last wrote but you try forming a complete sentence while lying in a hospital bed getting a morphine push every hour. There were times when I couldn’t focus my brain long enough to remember my own name. Then if you factor in the pain from being cut open to have my tumour removed, well I’m sure you get the idea.
Having surgery for me is no walk in the park. Actually the surgery is the easy part, its the drugs before and after that really do me in. I forget who I am, why I’m there, what year it is, you name it. This time around I even forgot who I was related to.
Apparently upon waking from being moved from recovery to my room I was met by my family including my husband and sister. My sister leaned in and asked if she could give me a kiss. I said sure, raised my head off the pillow and fully french kissed her. Stuck my tongue right, straight ahead into her mouth. I would imagine this to be traumatizing for any siblings but I’m lucky enough to have no recollection whatsoever. I was “told” that I did this so believe what you want, I’m just sharing what I heard.
Monday, January 20, 2014
TERM HIGH FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC
When I got that call from my doctor informing me that I had Cancer I swear to you I could see my heart beating through my chest. People say that its not possible but trust me it is. Its also possible for your life to change in an instant but at the same time have everything be exactly the same, because thats what cancer does. With that one phone call I got from Dr. Y I immediatly felt like I became a member of a club. The “I have cancer club” and I was excited. What the hell was I doing feeling excited about having Cancer. To this day I still have a very hard time explaining that to people.
First thing I did was call my Husband, second my Sister, third my Parents and finally my Brother. Not only did I call my brother last but I called him, he answered, I said “I have cancer” and then hung I up on him. He called me back immidiately but I ignored his call because honesty I had no idea what I was doing.
The next thing I remember is my good and glorious friend Zumz walking through my apartment door with a case of Budweiser, The effin “King of Beers”. Those beers were the beginning of a 5 week coping strategy that if I’m being honest with my writing here ended on the 26th of December, only 7 days ago. I feel like I have been doing the opposite of what any smart, sophisticated, normal person would do when they find out they have cancer. I numbed my emotional pain with beer, mostly wheat beer and the occasiaonl shot of Tequila.
Then a light bulb went off. I have Cancer. I have the opportunity for a medicinal marijuana card. I don’t smoke pot but all of a sudden for some reason this became very important to me. I needed to get that “green card” or whatever its called. I think the reasoning behind this was because I felt I could join another special club. I was starting to think this cancer diagnosis has membership benefits.
Deep down I know this is the opposite of what I should be doing to myself and my body but its just not that simple. Until you’ve been there its hard to understand.
I am now 33 years old and to be honest up until the 14th of November I’d never felt better, healthier or more alive. Then to be told that you have cancer is like someone giving you a high five to the face and saying “didn’t that feel awesome?!?!?”
I write this the evening before I head in for surgery for a lower bowel resection and I know that everything is going to go smoothly because I feel excited. The drinking and denial has been put to bed and I’m finally ready to fight this literal pain in my ass.
First thing I did was call my Husband, second my Sister, third my Parents and finally my Brother. Not only did I call my brother last but I called him, he answered, I said “I have cancer” and then hung I up on him. He called me back immidiately but I ignored his call because honesty I had no idea what I was doing.
The next thing I remember is my good and glorious friend Zumz walking through my apartment door with a case of Budweiser, The effin “King of Beers”. Those beers were the beginning of a 5 week coping strategy that if I’m being honest with my writing here ended on the 26th of December, only 7 days ago. I feel like I have been doing the opposite of what any smart, sophisticated, normal person would do when they find out they have cancer. I numbed my emotional pain with beer, mostly wheat beer and the occasiaonl shot of Tequila.
Then a light bulb went off. I have Cancer. I have the opportunity for a medicinal marijuana card. I don’t smoke pot but all of a sudden for some reason this became very important to me. I needed to get that “green card” or whatever its called. I think the reasoning behind this was because I felt I could join another special club. I was starting to think this cancer diagnosis has membership benefits.
Deep down I know this is the opposite of what I should be doing to myself and my body but its just not that simple. Until you’ve been there its hard to understand.
I am now 33 years old and to be honest up until the 14th of November I’d never felt better, healthier or more alive. Then to be told that you have cancer is like someone giving you a high five to the face and saying “didn’t that feel awesome?!?!?”
I write this the evening before I head in for surgery for a lower bowel resection and I know that everything is going to go smoothly because I feel excited. The drinking and denial has been put to bed and I’m finally ready to fight this literal pain in my ass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)