FORMING FULL SENTENCES

I realize it has been over two weeks since I last wrote but you try forming a complete sentence while lying in a hospital bed getting a morphine push every hour. There were times when I couldn’t focus my brain long enough to remember my own name. Then if you factor in the pain from being cut open to have my tumour removed, well I’m sure you get the idea.

Having surgery for me is no walk in the park. Actually the surgery is the easy part, its the drugs before and after that really do me in. I forget who I am, why I’m there, what year it is, you name it. This time around I even forgot who I was related to.

Apparently upon waking from being moved from recovery to my room I was met by my family including my husband and sister. My sister leaned in and asked if she could give me a kiss. I said sure, raised my head off the pillow and fully french kissed her. Stuck my tongue right, straight ahead into her mouth. I would imagine this to be traumatizing for any siblings but I’m lucky enough to have no recollection whatsoever. I was “told” that I did this so believe what you want, I’m just sharing what I heard.

TERM HIGH FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC

When I got that call from my doctor informing me that I had Cancer I swear to you I could see my heart beating through my chest. People say that its not possible but trust me it is. Its also possible for your life to change in an instant but at the same time have everything be exactly the same, because thats what cancer does. With that one phone call I got from Dr. Y I immediatly felt like I became a member of a club. The “I have cancer club” and I was excited. What the hell was I doing feeling excited about having Cancer. To this day I still have a very hard time explaining that to people.

First thing I did was call my Husband, second my Sister, third my Parents and finally my Brother. Not only did I call my brother last but I called him, he answered, I said “I have cancer” and then hung I up on him. He called me back immidiately but I ignored his call because honesty I had no idea what I was doing.

The next thing I remember is my good and glorious friend Zumz walking through my apartment door with a case of Budweiser, The effin “King of Beers”. Those beers were the beginning of a 5 week coping strategy that if I’m being honest with my writing here ended on the 26th of December, only 7 days ago. I feel like I have been doing the opposite of what any smart, sophisticated, normal person would do when they find out they have cancer. I numbed my emotional pain with beer, mostly wheat beer and the occasiaonl shot of Tequila.

Then a light bulb went off. I have Cancer. I have the opportunity for a medicinal marijuana card. I don’t smoke pot but all of a sudden for some reason this became very important to me. I needed to get that “green card” or whatever its called. I think the reasoning behind this was because I felt I could join another special club. I was starting to think this cancer diagnosis has membership benefits.

Deep down I know this is the opposite of what I should be doing to myself and my body but its just not that simple. Until you’ve been there its hard to understand.

I am now 33 years old and to be honest up until the 14th of November I’d never felt better, healthier or more alive. Then to be told that you have cancer is like someone giving you a high five to the face and saying “didn’t that feel awesome?!?!?”

I write this the evening before I head in for surgery for a lower bowel resection and I know that everything is going to go smoothly because I feel excited. The drinking and denial has been put to bed and I’m finally ready to fight this literal pain in my ass.

My Ass In HD.

I remember like it was yesterday. Actually I remember like it was a few days ago because this is when I started writing all this shit down. Cause that is what this is right? SHIT? I have colon cancer, bum cancer, anal cancer, ass cancer, bottom, rectum, toosh, badonkadonk cancer or whatever you wish to call it. I’m 33 years old and I have the cancer thats supposed to be up some 67 year old grumpy mans ass. 

A few days a ago, well over a month now, my phone rang 6:11 PM and the call display read Dr. Y. I answered it immediatley as I’d been waiting for this call for a week. The Thursday previous I was at the UBC hospital gastro unit  having whats called a flex sig otherwise known as a camera up the butt. Whatever you want to call it, I was staring face too colon on a very nice 42 inch HDTV . There it was about 20 inches from my face and I was looking right deep down into my anal canal in H fuckin D. I remember being surprised at how clean it was considering it was a colon. 

And then BOOM! About 8 cm up my bum a growth. It looked clean and shinny and suprisingly healthy. It was bleeding a bit but it honestly didn’t scare me. The Doc and nurse took about 6 to 8 samples and then asked me to get dressed and wait in the waiting room. So I waited. 

Sitting in the chair waiting for the Doc was no big thing. I felt fine. I was alone, no family, no husband cause honestly this didn’t worry me. The Doc came around the corner and sat across from me and maybe we spoke for 2 minutes. In that 2 minutes he only mentioned the “C” word once but he must of suggested about 12 to 15 times that it would be best if I wasn’t pregnant. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yes I was 6 weeks preggers. My husband Dallas and I were expecting and yes it was planned. I left that little 2 minute sesh with the Doc thinking that I had a growth and it needed to be removed regardless if it was cancer or not because obvioulsy it shouldn’t be there. I left the hospital feeling slightly confused but honestly I believed 100% that I did not have cancer. I was more concerned and sad about having to tell Dallas he news about the pregnancy. 

Fast forward to that phone call at 6:11pm on Nov 14th……. Dr. Y asked me if I was alone and I asked, “does it really matter? I have cancer don’t I?” She said yes. Everything after that I’d love to share but it’s a bit of a blur due to shock and alchohol consumption.